What I Wish I Knew as a FTM - Part 1: Bonding Takes Time
"This post is Part 1 of a 3-part series: ‘What I Wish I Knew as a First-Time Mum.’ In these posts, I’ll share my personal story and practical tips for navigating the emotional and physical challenges of early motherhood, one step at a time. My hope is to remind you that you’re not alone—and you’re doing better than you think.
See Part 2 - Sleep Deprivation and Feeding Challenges
See Part 3 - Recovery, Help and Trusting Yourself
By sharing my experiences, I hope you’ll join me in opening up these conversations to support each other. Thanks for being here.”
Expectation vs Reality
When I became a mum for the first time, I thought I was prepared. I had the bassinet, the pram, the tiny clothes folded neatly in drawers. I’d read the books, attended the antenatal classes, and stocked the freezer with meals like everyone suggested. But nothing - absolutely nothing - prepared me for the emotional and mental rollercoaster that followed.
I thought I knew what motherhood would feel like. I’d seen the Instagram-worthy moments, heard the glowing stories about falling in love at first sight, and absorbed all the well-meaning advice about cherishing the newborn snuggles.
But my reality? It didn’t match up.
The first few weeks were some of the hardest of my life. I’d just been through a huge, transformative experience—labour and birth—and I was still physically healing. I was in pain, utterly sleep-deprived, and tasked with looking after a tiny human who was completely dependent on me. The enormity of it all felt like too much.
I would lie in bed thinking, “Why am I the only one struggling with this so much? How does everyone else cope so much better?”
I’m learning now that, yes, there are some unicorn mums out there that fly through it but, for most of us, it’s really really hard. The fact that no one talks about those really difficult times, or glosses over it with joking comments, makes it even harder.
But I see you, I understand, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been there and I’m out the other side.
Maybe you’re like me and have struggled to bond with your baby, or you’re finding breastfeeding way harder than you thought, or maybe you can’t sleep because you always feel ‘on’ and you’re worried you haven’t got everything done yet. Looking back now, I can see how much my expectations, and other people’s stories, shaped my experience.
I expected to feel joy, but I felt overwhelmed. I expected to feel connected, but I felt lost. And I expected to just know what to do, but I didn’t. I was just so damn tired, and didn’t want to stuff it all up.
If I could go back and speak to that version of me—the new mum who felt so unprepared—I’d give her a huge hug and tell her this:
It’s Okay If You Don’t Fall in Love Instantly: Bonding Takes Time
When they placed my daughter in my arms for the first time, I had expected to feel this huge rush of overwhelming love towards her, but I didn’t. I was happy, but I definitely didn’t experience that feeling that I’d heard so much about.
Once we arrived home three nights later, I was utterly exhausted and not sure how on earth I was going to continue. I was still doing everything I needed to be doing for my baby but I didn’t feel like I was getting that “joy” from it. I knew I just had to do it though.
I was getting to the point where I didn’t want to be around her. Every time she cried it meant she needed something from me. Something that I wasn’t sure I had in me. It wasn’t until a week or so later that I admitted to myself that I didn’t feel that immense love for my baby.
It’s hard writing that, even now. I remember at the time thinking, “How can I not feel that overwhelming love for my own baby? I am such a gentle caring person and all I wanted was to become a mother”. It just didn’t make sense.
I’ve since learned that I’m far from alone in feeling this way. Many mums struggle with bonding early on, even if no one talks about it. At the time, I thought something was wrong with me. But now, looking back, I see it differently. It wasn’t a sign of failure—it was simply part of my journey.
On the outside, I seemed fine, but inside, I was struggling. My midwife even released me from her care only two weeks postpartum. I had a history of depression and was starting to spiral. It was an incredibly hard time, probably the hardest I’ve endured, but gradually, it all changed.
Slowly, day by day, I started noticing the little things. The way she kicked her legs, or the way she would wrap her little hand around my finger and cling on tight.
I still remember the exact moment I felt that wave of overwhelming love towards her. I was holding her in my arms at my parents house and I was staring at her little face. I was looking at the bridge of her nose and it just hit me. I felt it, and felt it so strongly. From there the love only built, and it helped me get through the rest.
From experience I can tell you, the love will come. It might take days or weeks or even months, but it will come.
You’re not broken or a bad mum if you don’t feel it right away. You’re healing, learning, and adjusting to a completely new life - it takes time.
It took me a while to be okay with this start to my motherhood journey. For months I felt like my experience was tainted and somehow felt less than what others experienced. I carried the weight of feeling like I “ruined” it. It took time and help from a professional to help me reframe my thoughts, but I began to see it through a different lens—I didn’t just love her because she was my baby; I got to fall in love with her for who she was. And that felt even more beautiful.
Putting it into Practice
If you’re in this boat right now please know that this is not your fault. You have not done anything wrong. Try some of the below tips and see if, over time, they help. Perhaps pick one or two to begin with and see how you go.
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to admit that you don’t feel an immediate bond. Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment.
Notice the Small Moments: Focus on the tiny, beautiful details about your baby—like the way they wrinkle their nose or wrap their fingers around yours. These moments often become the foundation for deeper connection.
Let Go of Expectations: Bonding doesn’t follow a set timeline. Every mum and baby relationship is unique.
Talk About It: Share your feelings with someone you trust—your partner, a friend, or a healthcare provider. Saying it out loud can lighten the emotional load.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Bonding takes time, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong if it’s not immediate.
Ask for Help from a Professional: If you’re feeling worried about your safety or that of your baby, or if the feelings persist and feel overwhelming, reach out to a midwife, therapist, or doctor. You’re not alone, and help is available.
Growing Love, One Day at a Time
Bonding as a new mum is a journey, not a destination—and every journey looks different. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, I hope this has reassured you that you’re not alone, and that love doesn’t always arrive in a rush—it grows in its own time, in its own way.
As I reflect on those early days, I can now see the strength it took just to keep showing up, even when I felt uncertain and lost. And that strength? You have it too.
In Part 2 of this series, I’ll share more about another challenge that defined those early days: sleep deprivation and the mental toll it took on me. I’ll also talk about breastfeeding—how it wasn’t what I expected, the pain and pressure I felt, and the eventual connection I found through persistence and support.
It’s all part of the messy, beautiful process of early motherhood. Thank you for walking with me through this first step of my story.
Sending you a huge hug,
Bel x
💛
